the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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