she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Drake has all the answers
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