if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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