And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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