Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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