hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
