as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
