I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
