She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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