just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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