My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
