i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
