U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
