What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
