I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
