Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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