I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
