Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
