He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
