If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
