dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
