respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
