Got a toothbrush?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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