I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
