I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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