yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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