I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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