i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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