why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
