Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
