suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
