Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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