You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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