You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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