We're facebook friends in real life
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
