Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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