Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
