Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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