i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
