clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
