He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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