also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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