Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
