i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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