I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
