im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
