Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
