I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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