Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
