i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
